this is what I see


Starving for Connection: A Personal Post


The title sums up what my intention of this blog post is going to be, but I would still recommend you take the time to read it anyway (thank you kindly).

So I've added a Spotify playlist to this post. I usually add a title image (which I have) and maybe one or two more images in between paragraphs. But I want the focus to be on the music that has really affected my mood and thoughts this past week and to give you a new experience (whoever may be reading this - eek). Also, I make no apologies for Lana Del Rey. Her song "13 Beaches" is what has touched me the most, so if you could be so kind as to give it a listen while you read this, I'd appreciate it. Many thanks. Also. Lie. I still added a picture. You're welcome!

Here it goes. I have been deep in my feelings this week. I'm always deep in my feelings, of course, and that's what usually pushes me to draw, paint, and photo edit but this week has been different. Although I have been feeling relatively calm, I'm constantly feeling a blanket of stress and anxiety all over me. I have been feeling sadness and loss - especially the loss of people, specifically the loss of emotional connection. I have been private about this but I feel I can't express what is weighing on my heart unless I am completely transparent (or as transparent I'll allow myself to be for this blog post).

In early September my three-year relationship came to an end. This isn't something I had planned or wanted, but it was something that my heart needed. I'm crying as I type this because I'm not trying to talk wrongly of my past relationship or place any blame, but I want to put into words, as best as I possibly can, that I was deeply in love and making that decision to end my relationship was hard as hell. I still want this to remain a private matter, but I know I need to talk about it to fully get all my emotions out there. Being in love with someone for so long meant a great deal to me, but being in love and not growing together emotionally as one person begins to experience a significant change in their life and in their heart is painful (you really begin to feel alone and I wouldn't want that feeling on anyone - it sucks, to put it simply). There are times I feel like something is wrong with me. And I don't mean this for just my romantic relationship but also with my friends and family. If there is no emotional growth keeping us together, though there will always be a fondness for one another, you'll never really evolve as a person if you desire to actually continue changing. Change is fucking hard (pardon my language, but we all know it is). 


I want to grow and experience these new changes I'm encountering in my journey with people who will be there to support me as I support them. I love being with people (I know I'm not the most obvious people-person, but I love that connection and seeing people interact). Here is where I think something might be wrong with me. I feel too much, I want too much, and I just get so overwhelmed by everything I'm feeling that if I can't talk about it to anyone then I feel like I'll just explode. I am truly appreciative of my artwork and drawing and painting these past few weeks, but they aren't a person (or a people). I am trying to trust in my faith that I will be enough for someone one day. I am trying to believe that my anxiety isn't always going to be unbearable. I want to believe that my heart that's so big and capable of loving and giving so much will be treated as precious as I will treat theirs. The point is: I am craving that emotional connection with people.

Again, I'm not trying to talk bad about anything that happened in the ending of my relationship. I miss the good times and I will always cherish those beautiful memories, but we all change. And I don't want the change that I'm experiencing feel like a burden to someone. I think we all deserve people who will be there for us no matter what the circumstance is or how fucked up they are. I think a person is beautiful when they spill out their guts because they trusted you with everything they are. Why not experience that and treat it with love and care?

Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed the playlist. I'll attempt to make customized playlists for my blogs in the future (same playlist of course, just new songs).