this is what I see


End of Year. Cheers to New Beginnings


Another year of my life is coming to an end and a new one awaits me! But I've always been a bit skeptical of saying "ending a year" just because of the new year. My life began on May 14th, 1990. So my year of being a 27 year old continues, while my 2017 year is coming to its end (Yes, I know I basically wasted time writing this, but it's just my thoughts on the birthday-year-end matters).

This year, though it had it's great, fanfuckingtastic moments, will still be considered one of my least favorites. This year has been a year of self-discovery (and before you start, I know this is true about every year, but it feels especially true this year - for me at least). Although I feel like I haven't done that much drawing this year, I have been more focused on what I'm creating than last year. It's been more of using my drawing time as therapy time. I don't really talk to anyone and there have been times where I thought I was only painting for an hour or two when suddenly four hours have passed. It's my time to focus and my time to really connect with myself. Does this make sense? Painting, drawing, mixing colors – this is what calms me. So much in my life (in the world, for that matter) has so many layers of complexity to it that if I didn't take time to focus on me I would feel lost.


Perhaps it's a little kooky for me to put so much of my sanity in my drawing, but if I didn't find solace in that time for me, I don't know how I would have coped. I'm still learning what it means to be patient and I believe that my artwork has helped me become more patient than I was previously. Maybe not everyone will believe me to be patient. I've been through quite a bit this year. Disappointments when expectations or hopes weren't meant. I've endured heartbreak that I continue to struggle with to this day. There are moments where I'm so lost in my brokenness that I have wondered why must I endure this? But I am a person who has a very big heart that many people don't appreciate or they'll take advantage of. This has been my struggle since I was in pre-k. I still sometimes don't know what it means to have true friends. But this year, I feel very blessed to have been able to confide in a few friendships and develop stronger bonds with those people.

I don't know why God has chosen me to be someone who's self-aware and feeling everything. Okay, so, maybe I'm not entirely self-aware because there are times where I am completely oblivious to everything, but there are times where I am so tuned-in with what's happening around me that I can't help but feel overwhelmed by the emotion of it. This year, I lost a job I was pretty good at (and where I met a long-lasting friendship), my three-year long relationship came to end because I was feeling more hurt than loved, and I've felt disconnected from everything I thought I was that I struggled with identifying who I really am. These experiences hurt like hell. And I hated the fact that so much change was happening in my life (in case you didn't know, I am stubborn as hell). But these changes needed to happen and I needed to grow from them.


So, I've created a little 2017 Wrap-Up graphic. What I didn't include in this was that this year was the first I got a speeding ticket, I got my hair dyed horribly (but got my money back- oh yeah!), I got sick for the first time ever from drinking on my birthday (that is not an "oh yeah" moment), I've binged watched more TV shows than I can count, and I discovered myself in the dark this year.

I am still finding out who I am and becoming more and more acquainted with who this person is. She's someone who's fierce, fragile, and incredibly loving. But she's also very guarded and unsure of herself that sometimes she wonders who she'll ever cope. I think that's pretty fucking spectacular though. I'm meeting someone new! Someone who wants more in her life than what she felt she was beginning to settle for! Still, sometimes I struggle with going back to what's comfortable. I struggle with doing what's right or wrong, but I feel if I don't allow myself to live in the moment, then I'll look back on my life and wonder,  what if I had? 

I haven't the slightest idea what this next year will bring. I hope I continue to carefully express my emotions. I hope I continue to love myself as I need to be loved and not wait for someone to love me. I pray that I continue to find the strength to keep going because this is all so fucking hard. Thankfully, there's music to get me through it. Yes, that was a cheesy way to let you know I've made a playlist. But in all seriousness, I am scared but excited because who knows what other kind changes the new year will bring (and hopefully I'm equipped enough to handle it and trust others enough to confide in more). But the best thing about this year, though? I have felt such great love in so many different forms (it sometimes scares me), and it lights me up and makes me feel safe. Blessings to you!