this is what I see


I Want to Keep Trying, But Sometimes Not


I have a headache. Not exactly the best way to lead with a blog post, especially my first one for the year, but I do have a headache.

Anywho. I've been wanting to write something because I have had the urge to write for the past week. I never know what I want to write about and sometimes I miss my old social media days when I'd help my coworkers plan a content calendar for the month. I should do that with my own blog (I do it with my Instagram posts), but I don't always want to. It's like with me and my drawing/painting: I want to paint something, I have something in mind, but I just can't will myself to. Alright, so, I know I've written about this before, but it's still true: It's a constant struggle of mine. But when I do take the time for me, I feel so good about myself. I get lost in the colors I mix and the details I create. Writing what's on my mind and my heart, it's like that. I feel good, I feel this release and calm... while also feeling this anxiousness that maybe what I write won't be considered as anything really (not that I need it to be, but I do hope this doesn't come off as gibberish).

It's only 21 days into the new year and I feel like it's actually dragged on a bit. I spent my first week back at work sick from the flu. I worked my butt off last week to catch up on work and be on my own personal, and acceptable, timetable and now, whew, I feel on track again. Thank goodness. I still feel a bit off in my personal life (but when will we ever feel not off in our personal lives?). I've been seeking a balance with my artwork, but I think now what I've been craving is human connection. That moment of intimacy with another person where you share whatever is on your mind and heart... whether it's silly or incredibly deep, to be listened to by someone you feel safe with is something I know I lack in life. I'm trying to pursue those connections, but I don't always feel like I fit in. I'm odd, reserved, loud, silly, stubborn, and sometimes too relaxed. I feel that people are frustrated with me because they can't place me. But is that just me projecting?


I know what I like. I like talking about emotions, movies, music that moves me (not just pop hits of the day, because let's face it... music is always changing at an annoying pace and I like what I like), art, video games, whatever crosses our mind. I can't just talk about one thing all the time. That's not me. But I know not everyone cares for that negativity. Is it negative though? To want to explore more in conversation? It's like with art, I know my art technique has mostly stayed the same, but it changes in the littlest ways, it experiences new things that make it not only stand but change in a way that is freeing. Does this make sense? I have changed so much in the last five months. Not just because of my relationship, but because I wanted to feel more than what I've been feeling. Which is scary as hell, because goddamn it, y'all... I already feel so much! 

I want more for myself, I want more challenges. It's a bit intimidating, but I want to push myself, artistically and emotionally. Like with the skull drawing I featured in this post. The flowers aren't too different from what I've been doing for the past two years, but the main subject of the drawing is changing. I've done skulls in the past, yes (in fact, I lined up all my pieces I've done in the past year and I've got a few handful of skulls and flowers), but I want to try different kinds of ways of drawing those skulls. I want to rearrange how I usually place the flowers and change up my colors (even if it is ever-so-slightly).

My life feels so simple, but yet so complicated. I don't go out much, I like being alone and going for walks and talking for hours, but I like staying in and painting. I like watching movies, but I want to just be with people. I want to give them my undivided attention while they give me theirs. I want to be selfish and selfless. I want to be seen for the person I am becoming, not from my past flaws (which I will always carry them with me). I want to be considered but also respected for staying where I'm most comfortable. Like I said, my life looks and feels simple, but it's not really. But I'm trying to grow. I'm trying to be more patient and think of the other person while also tending to what's best for me. There's nothing wrong with being selfish. Just like how there's nothing wrong with not wanting to write some days or paint. What feels right for me, that's what I should be thinking of.