Happy/Sad: I Feel It All
I've written it before, and I'm sure I'll be writing it again and again in the future, but I am someone who feels a great deal. I wouldn't consider myself an empath or anything, but when I'm in my feelings... I'm seriously in my feelings.
This week has been a trying week for me. Actually, I think since last Friday I've been feeling so much. I've been overwhelmed by the waves of emotions that have been weighing on me. I feel sad sometimes and hesitant to act on anything. I feel a loss and anger about that loss... and I've felt this incredible, impactful joy. I feel it all. Though I still struggle with feeling all these emotions at once, I think my current "maturity level" has helped me cope with it better than the past. Before I used to get super anxious about feeling so much (and trust me, I still get anxious), but I handle it better. I don't jump the gun on being mad or sad or happy (well, maybe a bit on the happy because how often do we allow ourselves to be THAT happy?).
One thing that has been bothering me is that sometimes I miss my old job. It's not just because I miss working closely with my workwife, but I also miss being challenged creatively. I actually found myself jealous of that old job because new things are happening that are very different from my current position. And I really do enjoy my job. I work with some great people who genuinely want to hear my creative perspective on things. That's not something I was fortunate to have in my last position. But I'm not here to praise one job or bash on another, they're both different positions and different experiences for me professionally (and emotionally), but sometimes I miss those days of being in my element while also being challenged. At heart, I am a creative being. I love doing graphic design and such, but I do miss exploring different tiers of a position. So, that is why this week I felt loss and anger.
I felt sad this week because what I had outlined for my life by the time I reach where I'm at now hasn't gone according to that plan. In truth, I did make plans for myself around 25-26 and a lot has changed since then, but that doesn't mean I'm not disappointed with how things have gone.
I'm still very upset that my relationship with someone I was planning a future with is nonexistent. But I know I've changed so much that I have to allow myself to keep growing, no matter how much I miss the beautiful moments of my past. I do feel alone every so often, but I feel comfortable with myself. I don't feel like I'm some loser or anything because I'm now the only single person in my department at work (everyone is either married or in committed relationships). It's weird thinking of myself as a single person, but I don't think of myself as a single person either. And I'm okay with that. I'm just being. I'm me... or maybe I'm just discovering me? Sometimes I struggle with this gray area in my life. I'm not sure what to make of it yet. I guess what it comes down to is that being by myself again isn't like greeting an old friend– it's meeting a new friend who's completely changed and wants more depth in their life. It's a challenge, but I'm still here - I'm trying.
Basically, I've highlighted the things that have upset me. In a nutshell, I am upset with how unfair life can be and I will always be someone who asks "Why?" I remember talking with my pastor about this years ago, about how sometimes we ask God "why," but we know whatever answer He gives us, it still wouldn't be satisfying. So, I continue to ask why, but I don't wait for an answer. I just wonder and try to deal with what's in front of me as best I can. Weird, huh?
In asking the why's, I have found myself feeling happy this week. I drew a bat and began the painting process (picking out different colors and such). While I'm not actually that fond of bat's, I want to challenge myself more than just doing skulls. I'm not going to stop doing skulls, by the way. I am happy, though. Work has been going well and I've been given more creative liberties with projects – and the outcome of each project has been well-received! I'm not like Tinkerbell or anything, where I require applause to keep trucking on, but it's not a bad feeling hearing some praise from your colleagues. I'm just sayin'!
I felt happy because I feel emotionally satisfied some days. I'm actually allowing myself to feel happy when it comes my way. It deserves all of me when it comes my way, so why not feel it when it's happening? Sometimes I don't think I'm heard right or that I miscommunicate how I feel. There are moments, though, where I feel completely understood and supported in the way my-complicated-self needs it. I think when you have people who want to be there for you because they genuinely care for you, it's something special to have in your life because not everyone can give you what you need. I'm not saying we should be dependent on people, but having little speckles of special people in your life makes a huge fucking difference.
I will always identify with being an anxious person. Probably why I felt the emotional cocktail I felt this past week. But I am a strong person. I'm beautiful, I'm creative, I'm a mess, and I still have so much shit to learn, but I'm a strong person. I have my moments of weakness and uncertainty of what my next steps will be, but I know I'll be okay. I don't know when I'll feel super happy all the time, but I know that if I got through it in the past, I can get through it again. So, I feel everything... so what? It's not the worst thing in the world to have sad days and happy days. If God didn't want me to be so emotional, then He wouldn't have made me who I am. I'm just trying to roll with the punches as best I can.