this is what I see


Really. Seriously. Still Here.


Sigh. (Can you "sigh" in a blog post? Well, I am today)


I haven't written in my blog since my birthday. This wasn't my intention as I meant to write here in mid-July, but some shit (and I mean shit) happened! To sum it up, I will present to you the going's on with these next bullets:

  • The end of May is when things began to tumble, my Papa Chepe passed away Friday, May 25th, 2018. He was 86 years old and his suffering ended. I don't think I've ever cried so much in my life. I was home alone when I got the news from my mom's friend (since my mom was in El Salvador taking care of him because his health began to deteriorate quickly in late March). I cried my eyes out and I texted my brother and my dad (who were both at work) and I just cried. I felt regret immediately because I never got to see him one last time. The last time I saw him, in person, was February 2014 and I kept making promises to see him again, but I never got the chance to due to finances and work. I try not to think that he's disappointed that I didn't see him because I did my best sending all my love to him. It was hard as hell and I hated how much I began to miss him, but I'm comforted by the fact that his body and his heart/mind are at peace.
  • Around the middle of July, I began showing symptoms of Mono. I didn't know it was mono, but it was mono and we determined it around the 2-week mark of symptoms being obviously present. I had a headache that felt like it was horrible sinus pressure and a tension headache with a touch of a migraine for days. I had a fever and a fast heart rate, my blood pressure REALLY shot up. I had joint pain, swollen lymph nodes and pussed up tonsils. I was a wreck for a while. I'm still recovering from it but I'm not deadly ill. I have fatigue and somewhat of a loss of appetite still which has led me to lose some weight. Joy... (I realize now this wasn't a bullet, more like a bullet paragraph, but at least now you know what went down). My mono lasted for about 4 weeks of visible symptoms. My doctor cleared me because the case of my mono was mild, but I'll be tired for a while.
  • Because I had mono, it made working overtime at work more difficult than it would be if I were 100% myself. So, that being said, I've been working overtime at work because of deadlines. I won't go over too much of the detail on here, but it's been tough trying to catch up at the usual work pace I had while also trying not to overwork myself and feel run down. I feel like I'm keeping up, but sometimes it's hard because I know I'm delivering like how I want to be. Overcoming that obstacle is something I'm going to have to continue learning how to deal with.
  • On top of all that, I somehow managed to develop technical problems. Yes, my not-even-one-year-old iMac decided to crap out on me and I was left without a proper creative device for about a month until I was able to get a new one (courtesy of my AppleCare warranty). Basically, I was beyond frustrated because, in the beginning, I was sick, I was tired and I couldn't even do my work after hours if I so wished because my computer was no longer reliable. So, please believe I got super stressed.

Luckily for me, many of my issues got resolved, but it made me feel so disconnected throughout the duration. What I mean is that I wasn't painting, I wasn't drawing, I wasn't photographing and I wasn't being creative outside of work because I spent the majority of my energy whining because I was so run down. Tell me that that's not terrible to endure. I hated being hard on myself and it's the most depressed I've gotten in a while. I'm being honest with you, I really hated myself. I hated myself for whining and shutting down and thinking the worst of the people who loved me. I didn't seek anyone for guidance or encouragement, I just wanted to be alone and deal with what was weighing on me the best I can. But I knew it wasn't enough.

And because I knew it wasn't enough I've decided to go to therapy again. This time I chose a new therapist instead of the one I saw two years ago. It's not because I didn't want to see her again, I loved her a lot, but I felt like I've transitioned into a new set of experiences that require fresh eyes. I'm nervous about it (my therapy appointment on Saturday afternoon on September 1st). I just have to remind myself that it's good to talk to someone and not feel like I have to deal with everything alone and remind myself it's okay to cry about things when it's just not the best situation right now.

So, I'm back here again. I'm determined to update my website with pictures and content from work. I'm also determined to finally finish my dinosaur painting I've been working on since July. It's time for me to return the therapeutic tools I had before. It's been a hard few months and I know I'll continue to have some bumps along the way, but I know that if I keep trying, I'll be able to keep going.