27 Gone, 28 ... what?
*Warning: This may be a bit of a long post.*
I'm glad I didn't force out a blog post for the month of April. I know it sucks that I haven't written any content, but I wasn't quite myself in April. I still don't feel like myself. But when will I ever feel like myself? I'm more than disappointed in myself for not drawing or painting as much as I used to. Lately, I haven't found the urgency or desire to keep up with it. I've been feeling so very little inspired by skulls or flowers. I don't know. I can't put my finger on why I haven't had the drive to paint anymore. Even though I am disappointed that I haven't been as artistic, I'm always okay that I haven't been. I'm not someone who can force being creative.
I'm not feeling as anxious as I once was (which is what really fueled my drawing in the first place). I'm not saying I've been feeling particularly calm, but I've been identifying how I've been feeling these past few weeks. I feel sad, lonely, wanted, unwanted, abandoned, out-of-place, unorganized, unappreciated, loved, reserved, angry, ferocious – just an overwhelming feeling of lost. I'm going to turn 28 tomorrow (May 14th, currently and I'm writing this on the 13th), and if you had asked me in March if I was looking forward to this birthday I would have replied with a "Hell-to-the-motherfucking-yes!" Now? I'm just hoping to come out of the day unscathed.
I was upset on my birthday last year. I was angry that my boyfriend at the time couldn't celebrate with me and feeling sad that a lot of my friends were unable to go out and celebrate with me (but it could also be my fault for not reaching out to them? Like I said, it's possible). I had a great birthday, but as I get older I see how much things have changed in not just my life but everyone else's life. This isn't to say I'm not happy for them, but it's an adjustment being a single person... you know... not married, nowhere near close to marriage, not on the fast-track to ever becoming a parent, and just being this single woman with a tomboy personality... your friendship pool, though filled with fabulous friends, is very limited for certain activities. I love my friends and I am so happy for their lives, but I can't help but feel so stuck with mine.
There are moments where I feel like I'm moving forward and growing as a person, but then I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I'm single. I don't have anyone. I love myself, yes, but I am still so disappointed with the fact that I'm here again... alone. It's not the worst thing. I'm okay with being by myself, but I seriously loved the idea that maybe in a year or two I would have begun sharing my life with someone. And now... now I don't think like that. I think about doing things that make me happy. That brings satisfaction to my life, but sometimes I want something so simple. But I know the work that goes behind it can't be one-sided. Does any of this make a lick of sense?
Don't get me wrong... I'm definitely looking forward to saying IT'S BEEN REAL, 27, BUT I GOT A HOT DATE WITH 28 *WINK*, but I'm also a little more anxious of how it will be. Will I become more isolated? I have so many questions starting with "what if" that I just don't even ask them out loud anymore. I'm trying to live my life. So, I might have hit a wall with my drawing and painting *shrugs* it happens. And it's okay that I don't know what to do with that. The only person that my drawing matters to is me. I'm okay that maybe right now I haven't been wanting to pick up a brush and mix colors and paint. It's okay. It sucks, but it's okay. One of the things I'm not okay with, however, is my relationship with people. Have I become bitter or stronger? Do I know right from wrong? Do I want this person in my life or not? Is this person worth the effort or not? These are real questions I ask myself quite often because I'm not satisfied with not knowing the answer to this. I want to know what's going to happen. I want to know if I'll be a good sister or daughter. I want to know if I'm worth someone's time or not. But at the same time... I don't want to know. I want to be good, but I want to do what's best for me. Turning 28 is exciting, but I'm still so scared.
Okay... so maybe I'm not scared scared, but I am feeling some kind of uneasy feeling about entering another year of adulthood. I am an adult... who the fuck allowed that to happen? (Some humor for you there. Just to mix up the serious tone of this post. I know. Shut up, Gaby) I think for the past year I've been deep in my thoughts about how my life was 10 years ago. From 17 to 18, I was going through some serious shit. Battling depression and unrecognized/undiagnosed anxiety definitely made me hell on wheels to deal with. I could see how I unsettled people with my inability to overcome anxious situations (well, anxious for me at least). I'm not exactly doing much better but I feel like I recognize my anxiety very well now and feel like I can handle certain situations with a clearer mind. Am I a more pleasant person now than I was 10 years ago - one year ago? Yes and no. I continue to feel like I'm trying too hard to be liked while also riding the waves of simply not giving a shit. I'm not exactly accepting of what's happening around me, but I'm able to process things more, including my feelings.
I'm glad I survived turning 27. It was a rough year for me. Being laid off my job a month before I ended my three-year long relationship wasn't ideal. And these past few months my Papa Chepe's (my grandpa's) health has been on the decline and I am filled with so much regret that I haven't been able to fly out to see him. It's been four years since I've seen him in person. But these are feelings to dive into another day (if I want to). I have had days, weeks, where I feel like I'm finally at a good place in my life. And then I'll have an hour or a day that turns me around. I look at myself and I hate myself. I don't hate myself today, but I'm not as happy as I want to feel. I want to take off my stress and tap into that happy feeling I know how to feel but can't fully access without overthinking myself to oblivion. But it's okay. It's okay.
That's the point of all of this. I know everyone is battling something. Whether they're always smiling or not, everyone is going through some real life shit. I count my blessings, I really do. And even though I am in a place where I'm questioning God (really, me) why bad things are happening in or around my life, I am thankful for what I have. I am welcoming another year. I am more aware and I am okay if right now I'm not myself. It will pass. It always does. I am so glad to be welcoming another year of hopefully wisdom and strength (mmm and let's not forget some more humor to brighten up your day). More lessons to teach me how to be brave in my own way. I just hope I don't always feel as alone as I do some days.
So, thank you for another year. I hope I'm braver to reach out to you for community and growth. Forgive me if I fumble. It's still scary for me to open up again.