this is what I see


It's Okay - Don't Force it.


I wanted to write a quick post about mental health and whatever you use to cope with your anxiety. This post is more geared towards me than it is towards you, but it never hurts to write out your thoughts in case someone else actually relates (I just shrugged).

I’ve recently started going to therapy again after not having gone since 2016 before I turned 26 (right when you’re about to be kicked off your parent’s insurance). I loved going to therapy, it definitely helped me in other areas of my life while also helping me maintain what’s true about me. But it also scared the shit out of me because it would bring to the surface the doubtful thoughts I kept hidden in the dark. You know what I mean? That deep, hidden part inside of you where you just don’t want to ask those hard questions or face realities because you’re scared of what could happen when they come to light. However, I decided to go to therapy again because even though I’ve grown and developed healthy practices in dealing with my anxiety I also entered a new level of stresses that made it difficult for me to balance.

I was beginning to slowly shut down and become exclusive to whatever felt safe. I’m an introverted person and it doesn’t bother me that I do things differently than others it only bothers when I feel like others are actually taken aback by how solitude my life can be. I haven’t really mentioned it to other people but I was near a conversation that some people were having about mental healthy and therapy. While I’m a strong believer in acknowledging that others have more mental/emotional issues than others and may or may not need therapy/medicinal help, I sometimes forget that there are people out there who don’t think therapy actually helps and thinks people should just bottle up their emotions. What I overheard a few days ago was that therapy was pointless and it’s not a real thing. I’m not very vocal about me seeking help, not because I’m ashamed, but because it’s really no one’s business how I manage it especially if I’m not super close to you.

Hearing what others think about therapy felt like a trigger and a bit of a personal attack on me going back to therapy (the conversation being brought up felt super coincidental). I’ve only been to two therapy sessions and they’re about an hour and ten minutes long. I like my new therapist. I like feeling that sometimes the reason why I don’t always draw is because I’m too much in my head or because my anxiety is sort of snowballing all over me. I feel good to feel validated in my feelings and knowing that my independence is nothing to be ashamed of. I don’t like being alone, but I don’t mind it. I love drawing, but sometimes I don’t have the inspiration to. I want more, but I don’t want to just have whatever to fill that wanting of more. I’m learning to journal my feelings and just start off by saying, “I feel –” before I go forward with anything else and figuring out what the hell I’m feeling and why. It’s little things like these that really benefit me. It might not work for others, but this process is what’s working for me right now and what I needed in my life presently.

So much for a short, quick post.