this is what I see


Nearly There, I Think


I’ve more than neglected my website… I’ve completely deserted it! I’ve been writing, but in a top secret location… (It’s somewhere). Okay… not really writing exactly, more like writing down my thoughts so I can gather my crazy thoughts better and not blow up at people or at myself. It’s something I’ve been working on in therapy. Writing down my thoughts… much like talking to yourself but getting the thought out completely so it’s not festering inside me. Plus, it’s somewhat beneficial to see your thoughts as opposed to just speaking it. Make sense?

I was telling my friend on Saturday that I like this therapist because I feel like she’s more encouraging than my past therapists (I’ve only had two previous ones before her, but she’s the youngest I’ve been to). She hasn’t made me do any breathing or calming down techniques, she just promotes writing down my thoughts so I can sort through what I’m feeling myself. I still talk things out with her, of course, but she always gives me some sort of prompts to keep in mind before our next session. It’s nice.

Anywho. Back to what I was originally typing on here.
I haven’t written in here in two months nor have I touched up on my website even longer than that. I haven’t had the drive to really work on my website, but I’ve changed the color theme of it (green, of course) and updated my main home page links: photography, design portfolio, and drawings. I literally am planning on updating them with as much as I can before the year is out. I can’t be a lazy website owner. What does that say about my work ethic? (By the way, I am totally a hard worker, it’s just been a shit show year - s e r i o u s l y.)


As I was looking through my photos I realized how much I’ve been lacking as a photographer. Sure, I have plenty of pictures to edit, but I haven’t really gone out there and take pictures. I’ve been lazy. I want to take pictures of a city at night again. I want to people watch. I must plan this so I can keep busy through the remainder of the year. I have to make time for myself and all of my passions. I can’t just draw and play video games (though, the latter has been quite nice lately. Have you played Red Dead Redemption 2? No? You should. Fucking brilliant.)

I kid you not, as I’m writing this blog post I actually feel better about myself. I’ve felt a little out of place lately. My anxiety has been discombobulated and I’ve become a bit reclusive. My therapist said one of her patients call it “hiding in their turtle shell,” and she said it’s okay that I’m in my shell right now, as long as I come out of it because I actually want to and not just for the sake of going out. She gets me. It’s really nice to feel like someone appreciates you despite the flaws you may possess. Unbiased.

Some days I have really amazing days. I’m present in the moment (not that I’m never not, just some moments are more worthwhile than others) and I feel like I’m a part of something… Other days, much like how I am recently, I seriously don’t want to bother doing anything else than what I have the strength to give. Like working. I love designing and contributing, but sometimes that’s all I can do in a day… and that’s okay (or at least that’s the vibe my therapist is giving me). Sometimes I don’t want to draw, sometimes I don’t want to text people, and sometimes I don’t want to be a sociable human being and contribute to mundaneness of the day. (Does that sound mean? It’s my opinion of some days… don’t take it personally) I can appreciate it and participate as best I can, but at the end of the day - that’s not me. It’s not that I am trying to be offensive, I just can’t do it all sometimes. I’d rather just work on me again and centering myself.

Maybe that’s what this blog post is about… nearly there... nearly coming out of my shell and talking about whatever is weighing on my heart. I want to completely tap into my creativity that I know is there. I just need to push myself, or rather, accept myself at the pace I am going so long as I am encouraging myself to be true. Almost there. And it’s almost Thanksgiving and a long weekend. No time like the present.