Am I Present Here or There?

This month has actually been particularly busy for me.

I’ve been busy with work - getting projects out, health adjustments, focusing on my own mental health, being present with my friendships and juggling everything. It’s also been a dry month for me also. I haven’t drawn anything in April. I haven’t had a solid idea in a while. I’ve been toying with one or two ideas for the past week, so I think I’m going to have to actually sit my ass down and draw whatever comes out. I’ve always felt more relieved when I draw, but I’m trying to be present in other aspects of my life, too.

I did manage to go photographing one weekend and buying myself a pair of glasses and giving myself some much needed “me time.” I almost feel guilty for not having done anything in a while, but sometimes I just don’t want to do anything. Sometimes I just want to be and refuel on my own terms. But I think this is something I’m going to have to work on myself, you know what I mean? Like, actually being okay with just being me.

I will say this, though, this month has made me acutely aware of how alone I tend to feel. It’s a combination of it being by choice and circumstance. It’s not like I always enjoy being alone, but I don’t particularly enjoy others being in my space for a very long time either. So, I’m also trying to be present in that… Just being alone by myself and being okay with that, but it’s hard. It’s probably hard for me because I’m surrounded by people who are not alone. Is it jealousy? Is it a craving for connection with someone? Is it missing someone? Who the fuck knows.

But! I’ve been focused on improving my portfolio and updating my work to represent my skills and what I can bring to the table creatively. I’m working on my brother’s wedding invitations and this will be a fun project/challenge. The client is my brother and his fiancé, so it’s like, I’m going to be all loving to them but they’re also my clients and this is how I work. It’s interesting but it’s been working out well so far. Going to be busy with that, so I know I’ll be wanting some time for myself throughout this process.

May is approaching. It’s both an exciting month because my 29th birthday is coming up in about 14 days, but the anniversary of my Papa Chepe’s death is shortly after my birthday. About a week and a half after… I miss him and it’s hard for me to accept that his presence isn’t on this earth. I have a picture of him on the corner of my hexagon mirrors above my desk. He and I are smiling and I remember how warm and loving he felt. He had a personality that was inviting and made you feel safe. I miss him. I wish I could share things with him today, but I talk to him every now and then. He’s alive in me… if that makes any sense.