Decade Gone, So

I’m listening to music, The People vs OJ in the background and my dad hammering something downstairs… It truly is New Year’s Eve. I took the day off because I just wanted to be lazy one more day before the new year comes and I go back to my routine of eating healthy. I haven’t been eating to excess, but I haven’t exactly been eating as I have been. So, I’m looking forward to getting back into routine and planning my meals and watching more portion sizes again. (Although, having a cinnamon roll from Panera was pretty clutch and I’m glad I’ve given myself a brief break) I have been exercising still, so it’s not like I am completely lazy potato. Just a full one :) Oh! And one of the best things I’ve learned about myself this year is from my 23&Me results. I’ve learned that I’m 53% Native American and only 12% Spanish & Portuguese. Isn’t that something? I’m learning so much about myself - now, if only I could get my parents to spit in a tube… hmmm

Anyways. It’s the end of the year! The end of the decade! That’s wild. This year has been wild. It went by fast and it was absolutely dreadful. I’ve learned a lot but it was draining to learn the lessons I had to learn. I was hurt, emotionally and mentally. I’ve been tested and I felt like I wasn’t going to have the strength anymore to move forward because I was just so tired of all the bullshit. I pulled through. Therapy helped. I don’t think I would have been able to have the insight to move past some of the ugly without the support I get through therapy.

I’m not going to dive into the most intimate details of it, but the relationship I was in briefly this year, came to end at the beginning of December. It was for the best, for me especially, because it wasn’t right. I’m still working out the aftershocks of it with my therapist, but it was a hard time for me for a while because even though I do not like being alone, I don’t like it when I’m not feeling like myself anymore either. And that’s what I was beginning to feel towards the conclusion of that relationship. Maybe it provided some light about myself at the beginning of the relationship, but it also brought out some truths about me also. I don’t like feeling like I’m insecure with someone who isn’t confident in themselves. I’m not saying that I need to be with a cocky person, but when a person doesn’t fully love themselves (even the ugly and the pain), they’ll never be capable of supporting and loving another person. There is so much about that is flawed and that I need to work on, but I love myself. I’ve grown to love every part of me because I’m learning so much about myself. That’s what I need - to be loved for every part of me. And this relationship never provided that. … it also didn’t help that my artwork was criticized and never encouraged.

I remember one time I showed all of my pieces to this person and instead of feeling what I felt when I made them, they were critiqued. I can handle different opinions, but it hurt me. My artwork is for me… it’s my own form of therapy and to not feel like someone wanted to be a part of that and to see that extension of me, well, fuck, that hurt. My art is private (even though I do post it online), but it’s for me and what I’m feeling. I suppose what that moment really did was throw me off that someone didn’t like the colors I used or the subject I drew. I respect it that people may not always like my stuff… but every single drawing I’ve done? Really? I don’t know. I should have known then that this person wasn’t in my corner. My artwork is so important to me, so to be with someone who couldn’t see that - who was jealous of that fact I loved to create - I should have known it wasn’t for me. This is the most detailed I’ll get about it, and it’s only because I was able to draw something new and felt like myself again.

I don’t want to lose myself again. I don’t want to be made to feel insecure about my artwork just because someone can’t appreciate that part of me when I show it to them. I have my moments where my creativity is spent or I’m not inspired, but I never want to doubt myself just because someone doesn’t like or want to understand my work. I’m fine if someone has opinions about what I create - hell, my mom doesn’t like the drawings I do, but she loves the colors I use and thinks it looks good at the end even though the subject of it isn’t her cup of tea! That’s called being supportive and being on my team even when it doesn’t completely interest with you. She boosts me up. The people who have allowed me to be myself with them are the ones I love more than anything. I love the people I have in my life and I’m glad I made the decision to focus on myself. It’s for the best right now.

So, my 2020 goals are: to keep at it. I want to continue growing and testing myself. I want to put myself first more than others. My therapist agrees that I have a habit of putting others before my own needs. I’m going to attempt to be more conscientious of this and put my own feelings before my own. I wasn’t too creative in the later months of the year (a toxic relationship does that to you), so, I want to put my creativity more as a priority and feed it. And I’m really considering getting a corgi around the spring. I’m interested in seeing that happen. I’m really going to try to listen to my gut this coming year. It did me good when I left that relationship. I was glad I got out when I did. It’ll be okay.