this is what I see


Now I'm Simply On My Own

There's only one word I'd use to describe today: weird

I have felt a cocktail of emotions since early this morning. I've felt anger, loss, disappointment, confusion, and sadness (basically all your negative side of the spectrum emotions). And as tired as my eyes are presently, I feel somewhat hopeful. I'm still processing everything and I still feel bitter about the situation I'm in, but there's nothing much else to say about it. It's private (despite me writing my feelings on here). 

I cried today. I managed to hold back a lot of tears (which may explain why my eyes feel so damn tired), but I let a good few out. Mostly when I hugged a dear friend at a moment where I was still overcome with shock and disappointment. 

I'm an artist; a creative individual who needs to keep busy or else I feel myself whithering away. I'm utilizing my current situation to keep myself busy. I've managed to update some content on my website here and created a new resume that's a lot sleeker than my past one. Not gonna lie, but I really like how this resume looks. It's very clean and more true to my preferred style (you can find the link to it under Resume/CV). It's a bit more feminine than how I really am, but it's also pretty damn close to how I can be. Basically, it has pink in it (I mean, my website has pastel pink in it and a lot of my images incorporate pinks - so why the hell not?).

Aside from dealing with this loss, I am determined to keep myself busy. Yeah, I'll be alone more now than what I've been used to for the past 9 months, but I want to keep creating (You can't just go from working 8 hours and some change a day to sitting on your ass and doing nothing). This means more time for painting, photographing and editing, and discovering what I personally prefer aesthetically again. Of course, I will be continuing my job hunt, but doesn't mean it only has to be job hunting now, does it? 

I've been doing a lot of reading when I get home from work, and I would still like to be able to keep that up while I do the whole applying-for-jobs-that-feel-like-would-be-a-great-fit for me. Wow, I felt tired just typing that because I know it's going to be an extensive journey.

Anyways. My goals are to keep reading, photographing daily (even if it's around the house), draw and painting at least 3x a week, and keep looking for a right place of employment. I'm trying to be strong and optimistic (which is not in my nature if we're going to be honest), but I already can tell this is going to be a real challenge for me. I liked waking up early and getting ready to go somewhere where I can put my skills to good use and be around people I truly care about. But things are different now and it's best to try my hardest to move on. The operative word being TRY.

You believe me, right?
Well, I'm ready for this journey (whether I like it or not - don't have much of a choice). It's a new chapter and it doesn't have to start sad just because the previous one didn't work out like I had planned. That's how stories are sometimes, unexpected but there's a lesson in all of them. And if you missed the lesson, then at least you get a good cry, laugh, and "WTF just happened" moment out of it. Yeah, Gaby, keep that in mind.