May I Just Say...

I have only written two entries this year. THAT IS NOT GOOD! But can you blame me? With the way this year has turned out, not much has happened. However, I am pleased to say that around the end of October I’ve managed to be more creative than I have the whole year. I’ve also took it upon myself to finally learn a new skill that’s applicable to the field I’m in.

I have drawn and painted 4 pieces since the start of October (a record since I was in a few creative lulls this year). I do miss how things used to be. When I used to go downtown to take my pictures to make it more razzle-dazzle, but with not wanting to really be in large crowds right now - I have taken a step back from that route. Not ideal, truthfully, but it’s what I needed to do because I feel safer being at home.

Along with my drawing and painting, I have taken up a new skill to add to my graphic design tool belt. UI Design. Throughout the years I’ve done some form or another of UI Design - making wireframes in Photoshop or working in a web page builder, but never actually doing the whole design of the website behind the scenes and in a program specifically for the UI of it. It’s wild. I’m learning how to use Adobe XD and it’s not as hard as I originally thought it would be, but it a challenge and I like it.

I told my therapist about it in one session, expressing my excitement over learning something new… and it was after a very difficult session I had with her (more on that in a minute). But when I was talking about how thrilled I was to learn something new, I felt like I was in college again. Taking a course I specifically signed up for, to learn what I need. I do wish I could take a class for it, or learn for someone face-to-face, but the online tutorials available have been a help. I’m still working on constructing one mockup website. Learning how to link to a new page and creating the template. Adobe XD lets you do more than you could ever do in making a wireframe in Photoshop or InDesign (though, I never had made a template for a site in InDesign). I felt so geeky telling her stuff that I know she doesn’t fully comprehend because this isn’t her field, but I saw how happy she was for me. Isn’t that what we want in the end? To share what makes us happy with someone and they just absorb it and feel that happiness for us - whether or not they understand it themselves?

That was a great session to have with her. I’m glad I continue to go to therapy to talk about art, my work, my feelings, things I’m stuck on. It’s been a great tool in maintaining some form of sanity during this difficult year. Besides going to do some errands, occasionally popping into work, and seeing my closest friend, I haven’t done much. I wear my cute masks (usually with an anime print) and I hand sanitize my hands, but I pretty much stay home. I did have to go to the doctor’s office to see about something I was concerned about (all good, so far). And then I had to go back for my physical. When I went, the office staff made me leave because their thermometers showed I had a fever. Which shocked me because I know when I’m feeling feverish. I know when I’m getting 99.9 - I always feel light-headed, I feel nauseous, and uncomfortably warm. I’ve never had a fever where I didn’t feel that way. But their stuff said I did. I was fine with having to leave because of the numbers, but I wasn’t okay with HOW the staff treated me. HOW they handled it. HOW they spoke to me. HOW they made me feel so helpless. And HOW they weren’t very helpful to me about next steps. When I got home, my temperature was fine. In fact, I was 97 degrees. I was forced to get a COVID test and I’m not going to lie to you… while the test itself didn’t bother me, the wait, the being forced to get one, shook me. I had to wait 3 days for the results. For a negative result. When the doctor checked my throat and took my temp, he said I was fine. Perfectly fine. But understood that the doctor’s office wouldn’t let me unless I came back with a negative test.

When I tried to arrange a new appointment, they basically treated me like dirt because I didn’t get the test done at the place they wanted me to (they never told me where to go) and that I made it harder for them to get the results (BUT THEY TOLD ME TO LEAVE AND GET A TEST AND NOT COME BACK UNTIL IT’S NEGATIVE). I did their instructions. And the manner the woman spoke to me on the phone. I was crushed. I felt so small. Their office manager called and apologized to me. She showed me empathy and humanity and told me the way I was treated is not how she’d want to be treated and she said I’m justified in being angry. She said her staff had to have a meeting and they needed to review how they’re going to treat patients and to communicate better. She told me that she was disappointed that it was handled poorly and that they didn’t care for me as they should have. I believe her. But it wasn’t enough either. I laid my heart out to my therapist about this ordeal. I cried to her and saw her holding back tears when she saw how shaken and hurt I was by the experience. It was a dark time, and it made my heart weep and feel so weighted that perhaps others are being treated so unfairly by this virus and these difficult times. It’s hard. Crying got me through it. Being listened to strengthened me and after a few weeks, I was able to heal from the experience. It may seem like it was a small thing, but it wasn’t. It changed me - ever so slightly.

There is a light that shines through this random dark and gloomy times. I still believe that (surprisingly, right?). That’s why I focused so much more on drawing and painting and learning UI (on the days I felt like I could do something besides the regular day-by-day). I still need to get over my little fear and learn UX (but I’m not really a developer and that’s a little beyond my skill level, but I know I can if I try - the operative word being try), but I think if I just make these small goals, I can really achieve my bigger ones.

This year really did throw me in for a loop. I wanted to buy my house this year, but so many houses went off the market when shit hit the fan and the other ones were basically bought within days after listing. I’m saving up and going to try again in the spring-summer-fall of 2021. It does suck that I’m held back again (or at least, that’s how it feels like for me), but maybe it’s not the worst thing ever. My therapist so kindly told me one session that I’ve become more insightful this year and she’s proud of the growth she sees in me. It’s funny, though. Because while I feel the same and feel like everyone is moving ahead of me (cause we all compare ourselves) that maybe I have shown the tiniest hint of progress in my own personal development. It’s not such a horrible thing. It does suck. I do feel isolated, but I still feel incredibly determined (most days).

Next year… it could be better?

The octopus says yes. Man, I want some sushi.