Sometimes It's Hard to Find the Words

Yeah… I know I haven’t written in here in a while and I don’t really have an excuse for it besides not feeling up to it. While the months have gone by it feels like time has stood still or it’s not flowing as it used to. I’ve been working from home since the third week of March. I originally wanted to start off my blog as soon as spring happened because I don’t usually do much in the winter (artistically) and I just wasn’t up for it. But once COVID-19 happened and the world stopped, there wasn’t much to write about anymore.

I am thankful that I have been able to resume my therapy through video calls with my therapist because it allows me to see someone else other than my parents, but it does get lonely sometimes. And as an introvert who loves to stay home the majority of the time… that’s saying a lot. I mean, I do get to talk to my coworkers and friends, but it’s not the same as seeing them as much as I used to (even when it was fairly sporadic).

I’ve seen a lot of artists/writers use this time at home to be more creative with their time, but I haven’t been as much. I did get the Sims 4 and apart from building homes and creating families (basically the grown-up digital version of playing with your dolls), I haven’t felt creative. I have worked on one drawing since the start of quarantine/working-from-home, but I just haven’t been in the mood or felt inspired, really. However, there have been times when I kicked myself for not being creative. Even if I’m not always making something, it doesn’t mean I can’t be brewing up an idea. I’ve had a few and I’ve finally acted on it and I’m actually quite proud of it.

I may not always be working on something, but I do want to start on a series - just a few pieces - or my rendition of tarot cards. And I’ve decided to use them on my larger watercolor paper instead of my postcard-sized ones. I’m kind of excited drawing these and I’m even using inspiration from my previous pieces (that I now have hanging on my wall where my computer desk is) and it’s made me happy and frustrated, too. I am still decently hard on myself when it comes to criticism, but that’s only because I’m second-guessing myself and wondering if I’m just doing it wrong, but I know whatever I create, it will be meaningful for me. Because my art is still my own version of therapy and calmness and escapism from all that troubles me. It’s like going on another plane and away from this one.

I will say, though, as much as I don’t like not doing anything sometimes - I feel like it’s okay, too. It’s not because I’m depressed or anything (while I do have my moments), it’s just been hard keeping my mind and thoughts still during this time. We are currently living in an unknown time right now. This is all allegedly slowly becoming the “new normal” where we’re all be working from home and only going in the office if absolutely necessary and we’re keeping our distance and wearing our masks and missing our friends and family - how do we shut our minds from those truths? How do we create when we know we’re just repeating the same day over and over again?

I’ve bought new clothes and I’ve done my makeup, on and off, while just staying at home - all of this just to feel somewhat normal as it was before. I feel like this year has been broken into pieces where we had the beginning of what we thought this year would be to a life on pause and to a life in buffering and choppy movements of a life we’re trying to continue from before but it’s hard to. It’s been definitely hard to want to draw, to pick colors, to photograph (especially when you can’t really go anywhere out of that little fear), but perhaps it’s time to do just little things for yourself. Here and there.

I think it’s going to be difficult to resume and being safe about things while also taking precautions, but I feel like we’re all going to try our best. I know for me, I am going to take it one day at a time (easier said than done), but I want to be like how I feel now: looking forward to creating and just calming my thoughts and anxieties. There has been so much pain for me in the past year and I think I’m allowed some relief every now and then.

Thank you for stopping by. I’ll try to write again soon.