Fall: It Comes & Goes Too Soon

My brother got married this weekend (October 26th). It still blows my mind that my brother is a married man. I’m really happy for him and thankful he asked me and so many of our close friends to be a part of it. It still blows my mind, though, knowing he’s a married man. It’s not like I lost my brother now that he’s married, but I can’t help but feel like I miss him all the time now. It’s weird. I’m sure this feeling will subside in due time and eventually I’ll embrace the new change that has been introduced to me and my family.

One of the best parts of my brother’s recent wedding is that a lot of our friends got to be reunited. So many of us are busy now and live further apart than we did initially… I was overjoyed and I hugged everyone and squeezed them tight. I was incredibly happy when I saw my other brother (Brian, though he’s not related to me by blood, he’s my brother in my heart) and his wife (Liz). I saw my good friends from Grand Rapids and my other friends who I don’t see enough because of work schedules and new weekend duties. Such is life. I missed my friends and it made me feel good to know that a lot of my friends are still so close to me even though we don’t see each other often. I want to change that with Brian and Liz and try to see them in Missouri. For the longest time, it was always my brother and I traveling everywhere… I think that’s why his marriage has me a little shaken. Our lives are separate, but it doesn’t mean anything bad.

I was talking to my therapist about how I’ve probably done three drawings this year compared to the twelve I did last year. But I’ve taken more time on selecting the color palette for them. I’m okay with it, but it also makes me uneasy because it’s like, “why am I not drawing more?” Am I drained? Am I burnt out? Am I out of ideas? I’m just scattered right now. As I’m adjusting to my brother’s marriage and how it feels final for me and the end of our adventures together (though, I know that’s not entirely true), I’m at a loss to how much I’ve changed in the past year. I have focused more on me and my confidence in myself emotionally. I feel uneasy every so often, but I’m excited about the growth I see in myself. My therapist and I have more work to do and a few sessions ago we said we said we’re moving onto the next chapter of what I’ll be doing in therapy. It’s weird knowing you’ve upgraded emotionally (I mean, there’s more depth to it than that, but that’s essentially what it feels like) and now you’re tackling a whole new set of emotions. Oh boy, I’m so drained.

I’m glad I have grown into the person I am now and I look forward to learning new aspects about myself. Will my anger and hurt begin to subside and will I allow myself to feel the joy and love I deserve to feel? We get so comfortable with our hurt that sometimes it’s more consoling than it is healing. Well, it’s never healing, that’s for sure.

I’m growing. I’m changing, but I’m still me. I have a few new drawing ideas. They’re still Halloween related, but I’m Halloween all season long - even past the official Halloween date. November is going to continue to be spooky.