this is what I see


Has Anything Changed? Yes and No.


I've recently been employed. Since October 9th and I'm finally telling you about it now because I've finally felt inspired to write in my blog again (I know, I'm terrible for how I'll abandon it).

My life has been interesting. I think I always write this in my blog posts, but it's always true with me. It's been interesting. As I listen to Thrice's "Of Dust and Nations" I feel my eyes begin to sting from held-back tears, I am overcome with emotions. I have felt gratitude to anger this month (just this month of October) every other day or every day at different times. I am always amazed to how much a person can feel within such a short time span.

I am thankful for my new position and happy to get back to doing graphic design. Though, I am saddened that I don't have as much time for painting because it takes me close to an hour to get home from work (I'll have to see to changing that sometime in the near future), but I'm also glad I'm not always having time to paint either - sometimes I run out of ideas of what to draw. Still.. painting is my form of therapy. I love being able to design at work and coming up with new concepts and researching ideas, but it's not the same as mixing colors and getting lost in it. Not many understand this about me.


I mentioned I've been feeling anger lately... Well, about that... I have been angry at people, at myself, and at how life has played out sometimes. I understand human error and I understand so much is out of our hands and it's up to us to believe it will all work out when we commit what's necessary to make it work out in our favor. There are times, though, when I truly don't want to even bother with the things that have been upsetting me. That isn't to say that I want to ignore it, but I've noticed there are things in my life I have ignored until it decided to surface because I was triggered. I am dealing with it. I am trying to find peace within myself and see me for who I am.

I am a complex person; a very complicated woman who feels too much and wants only the really important things in life. I'm simple, but the things I want to be in my life aren't simple to obtain (does that make sense?). I want to be in the company of those who want to feel alone but not alone with me. I want to know what it feels like to be considered as much as I consider them. But loving myself and the complexities that come with it is enough for now because I really appreciate who I am, even if I do get lonely sometimes. I'm still discovering. I thought at twenty-seven (of course I thought this when I was in my early 20s) that I would have more of my life together by now... I'm getting there. I feel changed. Different, but a different I like getting to know.