this is what I see


I'm Ready to Shake Things Up


Friends, strangers, whoever reads this – I am the worst when it comes to planning and executing posts for my blog. It's not because I don't have any ideas of what I want to write about it, I simply struggle to commit the time to write what I want to say. I'm going to make a better effort in the new year to write more blog posts as opposed to going back to doing them only once a month. Ah well!

Anyways. Here I am now (unfortunately for you). I want to shake things up a bit. Meaning, I want to change the objective of my website. Yes, I would still love for it to showcase my work and serve as a portfolio, but I'd like to introduce more of me on this site. Which means! More blog posts! (Here's where you slap your knee cause you're so happy about this decision - I know... I can hardly contain myself either)



Today, though, is a weird day for me.  I often write about how I'm usually all over the place with my emotions and how photographing and painting help center me, yada-yada-yadaaa. I still love it that I'm able to paint and photograph, but sometimes these feel like temporary fixes. I'll see people praising their triumphs and sharing their joys, and there are times where I am genuinely happy for them, but I always wonder - I wonder if they ever struggle as much as I do.

I am left to myself a lot, and this is usually by choice because one) sometimes I can't tolerate being around others for too long, two) I overthink everything and think I am the shittiest person to be around, three) in my mind, I think it's better for everyone if I kept my mouth shut and stayed by myself. Now, this isn't to say that I am always a complete loner. I acknowledge when I need to be in community with people and actually go out and do things for that will recharge me (which is funny to think about, because introverts usually need alone time to recharge, but when you spend so much alone time sans people, you start to feel drained that way).

I'm a complicated person. I know this. I've seen myself grow and change so much this past year. I've felt a new kind of anger that comes with letting things go. I've felt rage, sadness, loss, emptiness, feeling like a hollow shell of a person, and so much selfish joy. I call it "selfish joy," because part of me knows it's wrong to feel so much happiness sometimes when maybe it's not appropriate to. Does that make sense? I struggle with this because, on more than one occasion, I've been called "selfish," when I felt I wasn't behaving selfishly. I know I can be selfish at times, but I never mean to be selfish when people use it to negatively identify something that bothers them about me. Maybe I suck as a person, who knows (big, shoulder shrug).

I believe I had a different intention when I first began to write this blog. Instead, my hands and my heart decided otherwise. Maybe seeing how much of a mess I am will help you see the real me. Maybe one day someone will understand that I am someone who feels so much and honestly struggles with the bad parts of me. But I love so much about who I am now, as well. I don't know. I have so much to say. We're just getting to know one another.


Also. I've made another blog playlist. Might not be everyone's cup of tea, but hey! You don't have to listen to it!