this is what I see


Beginning Again and Again and Again


This is a legitimate question. How many times can you begin again? It's not as if we're born with nine lives like cats and if on the off-chance we don't land on all fours, somehow breaking our backs we're able to move it along because we have lives to spare. However, we are able to grow and learn from our mistakes (right?), because beginning again can be as simple as starting a new day better than you did the day before. I don't like referring to any of my past experiences as mistakes but rather as lessons. I've learned from many lessons. Many I stubbornly didn't want to learn from, even the day-old lessons.

I don't like change. I do, but I don't. As I've gotten older I noticed I'm more accepting of change happening, but if I have to be the one to make the change in my life, I'm still hesitant. I will always outweigh the pros and cons before making a final decision - even then... Is it beneficial to me in the long run? Is it the right thing? Or the burning question I'll ask myself lastly, will I come to regret this decision? It's a scary thing to do, especially if you don't like change, like myself. I've just never been a fan of change... but like I said, I'm getting better at it (or at least, I hope I am).

To begin again is to accept that change will happen. That's hard to do sometimes. It's hard to accept that the change happening is good for you at all because how do we know it'll be worth it to us in the long run? We don't. That's the whole point of beginning again. It's a risk and it's terrifying. I can't tell you the number of times I've felt like I "begun again." I feel like I'm always screwing up or that everyone will come to realize what a big, fat failure I am or laugh at me for trying to do this or that with my life. In all honesty, I don't have the slightest clue what I'm doing. I know change is happening, it's unsettling sometimes... I'm not too sure if I'm okay with it or even ready for it, but I know it has to happen because in the pit of my stomach will be this feeling of uneasiness, unhappiness, unfulfillment - close to dread. That's a pretty big statement for me to declare, but it's true.


I've always been scared of change. I just touched on why I don't like it, but I'm also very scared of it. What if I liked how the way things were before? What if I'm wrong into making these new changes for myself and starting over without anyone beside me? It's my choice to begin again alone. I know I'm not entirely alone, I have my family and friends who have made the oh-so-wise choice to stick by my side, but I am going through all of this alone now. It is a lonely feeling, but I feel okay being more alone lately. I think I go out more than I used to, but I do feel more alone in my decision making. I'm scared because I have no one to depend on, but depending on myself and thinking selflessly for me has been very satisfying in a way.

As I was talking with my mom earlier I had a thought that every day is a new opportunity to begin again. It's a chance to start fresh and do better than I did the day before. That's probably why I always hate the idea of New Year's Resolutions. Why put such a weight on your shoulders for the whole year when you can allow yourself to feel a little human and accept your faults and the times you've failed? I admit it, I'm definitely a failure more often than I care to admit. I'm not a perfect person. I'm not a perfect daughter or sister or friend or partner or lover or coworker or artist. I don't ever aim to be, but I admit it when I definitely fall short of giving it my all in those titles. When I was talking with my mom and we were discussing past friendships, loves, and experiences I had a thought of how much we've changed since all of those moments. I've changed. She's changed. We've felt loss and hopefulness, hopelessness, everything. Ranging from complete joy to disappointment. But we keep going. We continue to make the decision to start over and learn from the lessons. It's weird, but gratifying to look back on how much has been conquered.

The point I'm fumbling to make is that I am making the choice to always begin again. I want to be the better version of me, but it's scary because I don't want to lose anyone, I don't want to hurt anyone or even lose a part of myself. I've noticed that sometimes when I'm getting so caught up in the emotional part of me that I abandoned my creativity, but I know it's become I'm still adjusting to everything. Change is a big thing and it definitely doesn't happen overnight, but it can feel like it did because one minute you're determined and the next day you wake up feeling like you want to do something else that'll take your mind off the things that were preoccupying you. I'm still trying to find that balance. I don't like it all the time because I know sometimes I'm hurting people and I hate it that I am. I don't mean to, but sometimes if people won't change with you or at least want to go on the journey with you, then it can feel like a personal attack to me. I don't ever want someone to feel that way, but I know sometimes it can happen. It's hard to do work on yourself while also being considerate of others, but that's when you need to be selfish once in a while. What matters most is if you like yourself at the end of the day.

I struggle with looking at myself after a long day, but I have to (plus I have to take off my makeup). I'll look at myself and give myself the credit for tackling another day without wanting to injure me. And to me, that is a huge deal because there was a time where I wanted to do nothing but hurt myself for every time I failed myself. Now I just try to push myself to do better. I'm beginning again the next day. And if not the next day, let the awfuless drain itself out this week and next week I'll start anew. It's happened. It'll happen and I don't mind it. It's my choice. I just hope I continue to have the strength to do this. Because sometimes I am so tired, but it is worth it. Right? Well, at least that's what I'm telling myself.